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by Dalma Heyn

Download Marriage Shock fb2, epub

ISBN: 0385324022
Author: Dalma Heyn
Language: English
Publisher: Delta (March 9, 1998)
Pages: 224
Category: Relationships
Subcategory: Self-Help
Rating: 4.1
Votes: 104
Size Fb2: 1253 kb
Size ePub: 1642 kb
Size Djvu: 1640 kb
Other formats: lrf mobi docx rtf


FREE shipping on qualifying offers. Dalma Heyn offers the revolutionary argument that women leave their marriages not for the reasons commonly believed-boredom.

FREE shipping on qualifying offers.

Relationship expert Dalma Heyn asks not what is good for marriage but what is good for women in marriage-a question, she finds, that promises a much different answer and more fulfilling lives Marriage, as we are told, makes a woman complete, more womanly. Why, then, do so many brides discover that the fun-loving, passionate single gal they used to be has been transformed into a woman recognizable only as a wife-a woman who unconsciously represses her own needs, wants, and vitality for the sake of the marriage ?

Dalma Heyn offers the revolutionary argument that women leave their.

Dalma Heyn offers the revolutionary argument that women leave their.

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Marriage shock, says Heyn, marks the moment of experiencing this split between what the woman is and what culture tells her she should b. The Emotional Transformation of Women into Wives.

Marriage shock, says Heyn, marks the moment of experiencing this split between what the woman is and what culture tells her she should be. That married women have a higher rate of depression than single women or married men is no accident, the author contends, nor is the fact that today most divorces are initiated by women. Excerpts from her interviews with various married women illustrate what Heyn sees as the suppression of desire and the absence of an honest relationship in marriage.

By examining the complex experience of "marriage shock," Heyn carefully charts how the institution can silently .

By examining the complex experience of "marriage shock," Heyn carefully charts how the institution can silently sabotage the very love and commitment a couple envision. Elegantly argued and resounding with the voices of women and men, Marriage Shock is a ground-breaking book that will change the way we think about marriage - and about divorce. Heyn's compassionate conclusion is that marriage can be saved only when we stop trying to "fix" wives so they fit into it - and instead fix marriage to embrace and nourish wives.

In Marriage Shock, Dalma Heyn explores why the institution of marriage is failing-and what can be done about i. Ms Heyn addresses a topic that is kept quite secret in our culture - how women make the transition to what they consider to be "Wives"

Ms Heyn addresses a topic that is kept quite secret in our culture - how women make the transition to what they consider to be "Wives". Finally a book that addresses our own expectations and doesn't lay the blame totally on the patriarchy. This book was quite helpful to me in my first year of marriage, as well as many of my clients.

Discover Book Depository's huge selection of Dalma Heyn books online. Free delivery worldwide on over 20 million titles. Showing 1 to 21 of 21 results

Discover Book Depository's huge selection of Dalma Heyn books online. Showing 1 to 21 of 21 results. Most popular Price, low to high Price, high to low Publication date, old to new Publication date, new to old. How to Fall in Love.

Dalma Heyn, author of THE EROTIC SILENCE OF THE AMERICAN WIFE (1992), here examines how . Conduct books and the unspoken rules of marriage for women say much about how women should act but little about how they should feel, according to Heyn.

Dalma Heyn, author of THE EROTIC SILENCE OF THE AMERICAN WIFE (1992), here examines how women change when they become wives. She sees the modern role of wife as having arisen with the creation of the middle class. The ability of men to rise above their origins meant that there were men who had risen from the peasant class and were looking for wives of higher status, but there were not enough noblewomen to go around. This explains why many women find themselves dissatisfied in marriages.

Dalma Heyn offers the revolutionary argument that women leave their marriages not for the reasons commonly believed--boredom, or disharmony with their mate--but because of a subtle trauma that they experience soon after nuptials.Women in first and second marriages, married at twenty or forty-five, describe their unexpected, often lonely transformation from women into wives and their inability to stop, or even articulate, its occurrence. As one woman says, "Within a year of my marrying, my plans for my own life, my own needs, had disappeared." Heyn argues that the ideal of the Virtuous Wife has taught us that she is the one responsible for the quality of the relationship--that to make a marriage work, women must be sacrificing, accommodating, good. But those are qualities for sainthood, not happiness. In fact, they assure precisely the opposite--distress, resentment, and guilt in both partners. Elegantly argued and resounding with the voices of women and men, Marriage Shock is a groundbreaking book that will change the way we think about marriage--and about divorce. Heyn's compassionate conclusion is that marriage can be saved only when we stop trying to "fix" wives so they fit into it--and instead fix marriage to embrace and nourish wives.

Comments:

sunrise bird
A life changing book. I read it the week after I got married. It blew my mind and changed my entire thought process about my new relationship. Unfortunately, it helped me realize the bad thought patterns and habits I was already falling into, and I became really disappointed in myself. It has been hard to change my "transformation," but at least I am conscious of the thought process and can hopefully overcome it in time.

This book is for smart, independent, motivated women. It essentially argues that upon marriage (even if the couple has already been living together for years), a wedding makes a switch go on in the modern woman's brain that makes her measure herself against the 19th century ideal "wife." It is so automatic that you don't even realize you've done it. And because society praises the self-sacrifice and backing down for the sake of "compromise," you actually feel *bad* when you act like the assertive, strong woman you used to be. The qualities that society subtly pressures you to aim for undermine your sense of self and is an unattainable ideal that you can never reach. Thus, guilt, lowered self-esteem, feeling like a different person, feeling like you have to make all the sacrifices, and other negative thought patterns.
Unereel
Every woman married, about to be married, or thinking about marriage.....or divorced should read this book. You know what they say, "forewarned is forearmed." It doesn't mean you don't love him and want to marry, it just means you need to know why and how all of us give away ourselves when we say those two little words, "I do." This is a smart, fair and necessary book and I think men should read it too. I reviewed the audio because I got that first and then I ordered this paper copy. I also recommend her next book: DRAMA KINGS: the men that drive strong women crazy.
Jesmi
I'm not going to say I have everything figured out.
The other doesn't purport that she had all the answers either.

Personally, I found that pretty cool.
I had done all the pre-marital couples classes, read the books, dated a lot before 'settling down', and ... was still ... somehow ... shocked by this overwhelming urge to learn how to use a crock-pot .

Wah???
Why did that happen?

Apparently there is at least one more person in the world who went thru that. So - even though it's still a bizarre concept of kookiness. I'm glad I read the book. Misery loves company, no? And - there was a time I was confusedly miserable and the book was pretty helpful.
Wyameluna
Wow! This book hits on those touchy, never talked about issues for married women. Whether you agree with the title or not, I recommend reading this book.
Vudozilkree
Anyone, man, woman, first marriage, 10th - should read this. It's a real eye opener into how people often one day say "I don't know who you are anymore" -
Ferri - My name
Ms Heyn addresses a topic that is kept quite secret in our culture - how women make the transition to what they consider to be "Wives". Finally a book that addresses our own expectations and doesn't lay the blame totally on the patriarchy. This book was quite helpful to me in my first year of marriage, as well as many of my clients.
Jeronashe
Recently divorced, it's great to read about your role as wife and know you were not alone in your feelings and experiences. I would recommend this book but it does have some intense pyshcological language and research.
You complete me. Happily ever after. Many of us buy into the pinnacle of what the ultimate commitment is about – marriage. If we can experience culture shock when we travel or relocate, how about marriage shock?

I seem to have stumbled upon this book at the National Library – resorting to reading relationship books due to the dire lack of sex books. This is not a new book. Published in 1997, Marriage Shock questions what happens to the fun-loving, passionate single gal upon marriage. This woman transforms or is reduced to the status as a wife–a woman who unconsciously represses her own needs, wants, and vitality “for the sake of the marriage.” It explores the ways in which wives can overcome deeply ingrained social and personal expectations and flourish both as wives and as individuals.

I felt this book really belaboured the point. I was looking for take-aways – what should wives do to get over their shock upon marriage; what could these women do about finding themselves again; and how might their spouse support them? Not much. It’s all in the last chapter. So if you find yourself reacting like I was – nodding your head listlessly at the same points being phrased in different ways throughout the books, rolling your eyes and wondering when there will be any take-aways – you might like to just skip to the last chapter.

I am recommending this book because I actually can see the value in more women understanding what is happening to them upon marriage without even their conscious awareness. Too often, women remain silent, dismiss themselves for fear of rowing the boat and do herself or her relationship no favours at all.

On page 161 of this book, it says:

“It is lies and pretense about our erotic selves that go so deep we no longer notice. Pretense about our pleasure – its intensity, its rthymes, its idiosyncratic sources – is woven into our daily actions and expectations as wives like the threads in a patchword quilt. We lie to ourselves about it as well as to our husbands.

If we understood how dangerous it is to our psyches and our relationships to edit our words, our thoughts, our actions, would we begin telling the truth, piece by piece, thereby, in the words of Rich (Adrienne Rich), “opening the question of other ways of handling our fear”?

If we saw that the real danger in “sheltering” our husbands in the death of pleasure in our relationships with them, would we continue to respond to an ancient voice droning on about false dangers, threatening that we’ll lose it all if we dare to be real.”

So the take-aways by way of what one can do includes:

1) By admitting she (The Witness) exists – “by understanding why she was created, and what and whom she serves”

2) By realising she lives on in us;

3) By speaking the truth of our experience to our husbands and our friends;

4) By bringing our husbands into this experience of marriage shock so they too can watch what happens and how.

The book ends by advising that “women in the most satisfying relationships feel free to expand, want, explore, be themselves, pursue their own stories – and, not surprisingly, they are in the least conventional marriages.”

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